i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
ok first of all what the fuck
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
