I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
