I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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