I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
