Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
