other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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