Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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