do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize