I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Randomize
