That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
