I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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