Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
someone owes me an orgasm
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
