I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
