my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
