And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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