Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
