I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You are the jesus of drinking
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
