omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize