don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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