My brain says no but my pants say off.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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