i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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