sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
