Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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