Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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