He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
