My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize