my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
