the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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