allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
