mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize