i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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