i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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