dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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