So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
