During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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