Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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