Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
