It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I smell stomach acid.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
