Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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