I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize