i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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