in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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