***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
