I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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