forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
