don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
