If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
