i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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