Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
