Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
