i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
