Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
