plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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