I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I can't turn off my feet"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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