im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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