I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
