I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
