you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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