there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
