I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm always down for nudity.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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