its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
