i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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