Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
