I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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