When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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