Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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