So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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