There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
