Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
