Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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