i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
