Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
