A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Randomize
