thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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